Monthly Archives: May 2013

journeying

it is an interesting thing – our connection with our parentage.  looking at my family history I am able to gain a insight into a generational differences in spiritual practice.  I have a very personal experience of orthodox religion in this country, (I was raised in the church of engand) and see it visibly  becoming something of the past, modern individuals being drawn to thinking grounded in a universal consciousness.  I feel as we evolve away from a life of sustenance and are now moving through a time of indulgence and distraction, are needs from salvation are also evolving.  With the massive developments we have had in psychology in the last half century our awareness of the different parts of our operating systems make me feel we can no longer operate with belief systems that require fostering out our trust and faith.  There is a need to own our divine nature and recognise the power we hold within.  Here there becomes a recognition that the light is within us. Any other way of looking at the placement of the divine merely engenders guilt and thus fear,  becoming a tool of oppression.  Personally I find my mind quelled by the channeled text A Course in Miracles but I have an awareness that release comes from many different roads and there is just one goal – awakening from this hellish experience of illusionary seperation and remembering our oneness.  So within this knowing there is also a recognition that the process that orthodox religions like christianity use do bring a level of peace and awakening.  My feeling is that as they do not take ownership and believe in release only after death, there is a powerless engendered within the doctrine which creates dependency thus lacking inherent personal freedom and thus ultimately soulic healing.

My journey has been long and exhausting and as the light is creeps in to on my everyday living I am drawn to share my journey of awakening from this modern illusion into a place of acceptance, allowance and peace.  My writing allows me to share the process of letting go of attachments in this physical experience we have and the psychological battles we have on this path.  I am fascinated and exhilarated with this process and hope that my words are enlightening and enhancing of any experience you may be having in this maya we know as life.  I wish to honor all the parts of my experience for without this i have nothing to learn from.  I wish also this recognition for my words, knowing I am in process and i wish no ill.  Peace be with you and love and light to you which is yours.

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your god is my god

you know that your god is my god, that your faith is my faith, your trust echos mine and there is no separation?
the only distinction that you can actually make is that there is judgement coming though.
the only real distinction that i can ascertain is that you won’t accept my choices and path.
all i feel from this moment on is that you de-validate my wishes, my understanding my journey and believe that you have the only answers.
can you not see clearly the attempt at power over, to dictate?
this is not freedom, with acceptance and allowance and unconditional love.
i am sad i perceive your view point so limited,
that you can’t see your projections when you spell them out as my mistakes.
i am sad that you sit in judgement of me and my journey, condemning it as failed before it has begun because it follows not the path you need to find respite from your fears.
it works for you this religion you follow.
you enjoy the idea of asking for forgiveness.
but see, there is no joy in this theory for me,  there is only condemnation and constant repentance,
continual fear.
there is only a space of constant guilt and then a reliance on that part of us that can say take this evil out of me for i am it only,
here on this planet i am evil, i am sin i am unholiness within
and only when i leave when i have recognised this capacity for full malaise will you grant me freedom from this pestilence that you gave me to suffer to prove my worth.
and how can you say there is no judgement here?
how can you say our inherent evil is not judgement?
that jesus died so there is …. what? i can’t even find the words.
it feels so unclear so muddled so controverted and sad.
and i feel so frustrated that i find no way through.
and yet i find trust in the midst of this madness.

a trust that with my inclusive guidance i may find a way to honour you some day.
when i deal with all the anger i hold from years of shame and confusion and judgment and conditioning
and i stop being driven by the self that just wants you to love me for who i am
and learn to only look for it within myself
then maybe i will bring unconditional love to your world –
bring forgiveness and acceptance,
allowance and joy,
for i won’t be trying to argue with you –
i won’t have to prove myself –
i will be able to clearly see the trauma that results from this perspective on god
and show to you it’s limitations.
and then maybe you will understand my drive, my freedom , my unlimited joy that results from embracing the whole of life and all the parts which make me one with the universe.
and then perhaps you will see the empowerment of ownership
rather than the fear that you hold of it.

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being seen

hmmmm
this is difficult.
you might be watching me now and i thought i could just nip this in without you realising but
oh…
you can follow this blog?
you recieve notification when i write something down that i feel?
i’m being seen?
in all my faults and foibles?
you can see me?
you hear me?
and you could judge me
(if you wanted to poison your self).
i’m scared of that
because i grew in this word believing i had to be all that you wanted and more
i created selves that would only repeat what would make the world turn harmoniously
and i only connected with those that would not bring threat to this happiness.
and oh how i nearly died a death of empytiness
of limited contortedness
disowned nonsense, unallowed lightfullness.
and now in awareness i sit standing basking in acceptance and honoured for showing my vunerability and ask you,
hear me, allow me, and i wish you choose wisely your response
for after all i am awakening just like you and as i open to knowing
i open to loving
i am still and know i am here
you choose
love is.

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is it not your child?

what is this?  this pain?
what is this insane desire to stay trained to the mill of illusionary dictatorship?
what is this pain? what is this saying?
your pain is my pain.
my pain, I am saying, is not real,
which means what you’re trying to justify I’m saying ain’t here.
and even I can’t say that our loud without shame.
even I can’t say that what you feel isn’t real and that love is all there is because it is the only factor.
factoring in all options, I am lost for a  response,
for my head shouts out a truth but my heart screams for more.
she screams: “Open this up! Open this up and see!”
for there is a well here of suffering, of needing and protecting.
there is a well here of feeling and i’ll be damned if i’m kneeling to some kind of denying,
some kind of redefining the parameters of my perception.
because as far as I can feel this is real. this is real and that is what I feel and there ain’t no one, no where gonna tell me otherwise.

and I hear you and within you a rage oh so strong.
a rage that burns deeply, a rage gone on and on.
a rage of the fury within us all, the indignity of being here at all.
oh how it sucks.
oh how it is sore,
oh how it pains us right to the core.
this nonsense, this shite, this unrelentless constant tripe.
suffering, suffering from since time began.
separation, separation, disconnection from Source and thrown into the deep end from an embrace so deep
to trauma, approval, the search for love, the competition of evolution,
the trial of lovability and the race for survival.
and even then if you made it with a mother of earth who held you and loved you with a heart full of grace, you would have seen it for yourself in the actions of mankind,  your friends turned to foe’s and the love left behind.
the chaos,
the nonsense on which normality lies
and which schooling attempts to perpetually abide.
and they tried (oh how they tried!)
to keep you from seeing the matrix’s blipping and ‘normality’ tripping over itself to be helpful in all the wrong places.
offering an ‘all-consuming comfort’ with distraction, side orders of suppression.
eat me, eat me, don’t fail to order more of me,
there’s more of me, more of me in all different flavours
to restore you to prime position in the competition.
and then you can be best of the best, best of the rest…

and there that does leave you with nothing and no one.
no genuine connection,
no hope for making one
and love got lost,
left at the family gate.

and you scream  – “NO MORE! You Fucking Bastard Whores!
you fucked it all up, you fucking maddening people.”
people doing their best,
doing what they thought was needed within this test of time
with no real guidance but the non-self world
with its gods of convenience and religion, gods of control based upon oppression.
worship lead from a place of suppression of everyone’s spirit,
segregating us all, dividing, colliding and providing a wall of judgment
to enforce and control us all.
and it is just people doing their best, doing what they believe is in the best interests of all.

but this means nothing to you in pain,
this means nothing to you who has had to suffer from the insane insanities of man’s inhumanities.
and so, hey ho, on we go…
for in the end this is just a cycle, a reoccurring cycle and we are here looking back but also wanting to move forward.
and you can stay angry at the world and this energy stays within your system.
and you can stay disappointed in the world but, only, is it not your child?
is the world not just trying it’s hardest?
is it not just needing you to smile a little and give it a chance a little?
throw a leap of faith at it and allow it to grow a little?
hold it, for it needs a cuddle, a gentle warm one within the warmth of your coat and body
and it needs to be heard for its pain that it carries is killing it… how absurd.
and it can be done.
you can hold this enormous one and love it for all its horrors and all its foibles,
for all it’s traumas and all it’s evils.
for it is just a scared child caught up in this madness.
there’s such a sadness.
and can you hold its hand once its ready and it’s said all it needs to say?  can you hold it’s hand and steady it and let it walk with you by your side full of grace?
allow it to see you in your purposeful place?

and then I know back there we will go, back to sadness, disappointment and sorrow,
for it will be us that needs a cuddle and a huddle and a warming.
and as we find more moments of grace, of beauty and love
i suppose our true nature is known and we must follow these home,
remembering that this way can lead us all over the place but still, ultimately and finally
brings us to joy.

This poem is copyleft and is subject to the conditions of copyleft.

See link here http://artlibre.org/licence/lal/en

See link here http://vimeo.com/66736252 for poem’s collaborative film

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