you know that your god is my god, that your faith is my faith, your trust echos mine and there is no separation?
the only distinction that you can actually make is that there is judgement coming though.
the only real distinction that i can ascertain is that you won’t accept my choices and path.
all i feel from this moment on is that you de-validate my wishes, my understanding my journey and believe that you have the only answers.
can you not see clearly the attempt at power over, to dictate?
this is not freedom, with acceptance and allowance and unconditional love.
i am sad i perceive your view point so limited,
that you can’t see your projections when you spell them out as my mistakes.
i am sad that you sit in judgement of me and my journey, condemning it as failed before it has begun because it follows not the path you need to find respite from your fears.
it works for you this religion you follow.
you enjoy the idea of asking for forgiveness.
but see, there is no joy in this theory for me, there is only condemnation and constant repentance,
there is only a space of constant guilt and then a reliance on that part of us that can say take this evil out of me for i am it only,
here on this planet i am evil, i am sin i am unholiness within
and only when i leave when i have recognised this capacity for full malaise will you grant me freedom from this pestilence that you gave me to suffer to prove my worth.
and how can you say there is no judgement here?
how can you say our inherent evil is not judgement?
that jesus died so there is …. what? i can’t even find the words.
it feels so unclear so muddled so controverted and sad.
and i feel so frustrated that i find no way through.
and yet i find trust in the midst of this madness.
a trust that with my inclusive guidance i may find a way to honour you some day.
when i deal with all the anger i hold from years of shame and confusion and judgment and conditioning
and i stop being driven by the self that just wants you to love me for who i am
and learn to only look for it within myself
then maybe i will bring unconditional love to your world –
bring forgiveness and acceptance,
allowance and joy,
for i won’t be trying to argue with you –
i won’t have to prove myself –
i will be able to clearly see the trauma that results from this perspective on god
and show to you it’s limitations.
and then maybe you will understand my drive, my freedom , my unlimited joy that results from embracing the whole of life and all the parts which make me one with the universe.
and then perhaps you will see the empowerment of ownership
rather than the fear that you hold of it.