Monthly Archives: September 2013

imagine loving this

just imagine loving this

just imagine loving this,
this life i see of total failure and mess.
just imagine seeing it as beautiful and being inspired.
where i see problems and work, to see nothing but unity and comradeship
here where i perceive i have dug myself into a hole, there could be fun and laughter and joy
and yet all i see is correction,
all i see is that which needs to shift.
part of me just wants a total overhaul,
a complete makeover or a way out of here running as fast as i can muster.
to go, to leave here where i am exhausted by the responsibility to my fellow beings,
to be free of these burdens.
to be gone from here seduces me daily,
i see all my mistakes,
constantly.

i am flooded with criticism,
i am a failure in everything i do,
i am lost to success for the standard my system is geared to is impossible.
and yet, even with this awareness, i do not still trust.
i still believe somewhere that it is necessary to be absolutely faultless to be loved
and so it is through this lens that i wake today
and get angry with the children for the strategies that they have had to put in place to cope with what they are faced with.
i get angry because they can’t be perfect and loving and considerate and kind
like little yogi’s meditating after they have eaten the most nutritious breakfast they could manifest, harvested from the garden that they were inspired to sow.
why are they not doing this?
because i have not shown them how to.
so i see my failings.
they remind me of how much work i have to do to be faultless.
they remind me how exausted i am,
of how much responsibility i am taking for them.
and to the side of this and around it is the sense of hopelessness this creates,
the lack of connection this perpetuates.
the distance the resentment
the hurt and the lies.
oh how the trauma cycle abides so strongly in my house today
on and on.
there is no joy in this loop,
there is no laughter to be heard.
there is no fun here,
no acceptance, just a long and constant struggle through the relentless shit.

but oh, we could jump to permissivness!
we could jump to whatever!
lets just forget about this all and have a good time…

and that didn’t work.

so now it is working with turning this around.
working to move from this place of blame and correction
into a new epoch of awareness and loving direction.
we can do this guys because i am learning that i am beautiful.
we can do this guys because i am knowing that i am whole
how ever i show up.
i am practicing to see this in you as you mirror my selves.
i am practicing seeing the light in you so that the learning becomes effortless.

so if you see me telling me you are not perfect
i wish to be reminded you are.
and if you see me doubting you i need reminding that i am using standards impossible to reach,
set when i was surrounded  with judgement and blame.
now there is the possibility of self acceptance and non-judgement around me,
now i unfold.

beauty is not a standard set that can be quantified and gained,
it is an essence that emerges when all conditioning is seen as obsolete,
it is the light that resides in all things.
i am loved however i am.
this is my practice.
we are here, somewhere new, were the possibilities are multiplying.
i am beautiful.
the light in me salutes the light in you.
namaste.

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i ask

i ask only that i am gentle to myself.
i ask only that i am kind to myself,
i ask only that i forgive myself when i cause harm.
when i hurt you i ask that i love myself,
when i hate you i ask that i love myself,
when i wound you i ask that i can hold and comfort myself.
i ask for unconditional love for myself.
trusting that all else falls into place as it is

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who am i?

i don’t know who i am and i’m afraid of telling anyone.
if i tell you you will see that all i am is a farce
a face
a facard
a wall
an armor to my soul.
and there feels like there is nothing on the otherside
but a small abandoned baby
who has every thing yet to learn.
everything.
the thing that tells her she is worth something –
that is everything.
that she is something
not that she will become something,
that there can be something that she could be.
that she is something,
that she is everything.
so i go back to not knowing who i am
because part of me continues to believe that i have to become something
to be worth anything
and so i actually become nothing.
i am no one
and yet in my body i have someone
who can become what anyone wants me to be.
i am longing,
i am yearning,
i am craving rejoining because i cannot see the whole within me,
i cannot see the worth within me.
i was taught it belonged out there and i swear
i don’t know who i am.
and i can’t trust anything that comes out of my system.
i judge it all as diseased,
i believe it all to be contrived,
i perceive it all to be lies to make you happy.
and everyone who comes to my side,
who are you?
and why are you here anyway?

and i go then back to my baby,
my hurt and wounded child and i hold her and rock her
and rock her and hold her.
and i weep and i weep and i weep
and i realise i am full of rage.
here now i am full of blame and resentment and hatred
and this place is so familiar here with my vulnerability in my arms.
and i scream at the world and i scream at everyone
and i want to shoot the place down.
“fuck you!” i want to say
all go away,
for i could feel safe it wasn’t for your judgement.
i could show my precious little light if it wasn’t for what you thought was right.
fuck you you righteous whores.
fuck you you righteous bores.
and i shield her away from you
and  i am dead to you
and there is no one and nothing and i am not one.

just imagine if in that moment when i turn away and i put my head down and rest it on her warm tiny body,
just imagine if that is all there is
and that is everything.
that this is not just something
but that this is everything –
i have it all and that was nothing.
here there is peace,
here there is contentment,
here there is freedom,
here i am one.

so as i go away from this now i want you to know that i hold my tiny precious whole within my arms and if you come too near with your questions or your discernments,
if you come too near with you judgements or expectations,
i may forget again
and again begin again to be something that i perceive that you want of me.
and then as i lose my hold on that tiny little bundle i will want to blame you and all your ways.
so now please remember this of me:
i am beginning again
and i will try to see you within this light that is in me
and through this i wish to join.
through this i am. 
through this i can know who i am.

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