who am i?

i don’t know who i am and i’m afraid of telling anyone.
if i tell you you will see that all i am is a farce
a face
a facard
a wall
an armor to my soul.
and there feels like there is nothing on the otherside
but a small abandoned baby
who has every thing yet to learn.
the thing that tells her she is worth something –
that is everything.
that she is something
not that she will become something,
that there can be something that she could be.
that she is something,
that she is everything.
so i go back to not knowing who i am
because part of me continues to believe that i have to become something
to be worth anything
and so i actually become nothing.
i am no one
and yet in my body i have someone
who can become what anyone wants me to be.
i am longing,
i am yearning,
i am craving rejoining because i cannot see the whole within me,
i cannot see the worth within me.
i was taught it belonged out there and i swear
i don’t know who i am.
and i can’t trust anything that comes out of my system.
i judge it all as diseased,
i believe it all to be contrived,
i perceive it all to be lies to make you happy.
and everyone who comes to my side,
who are you?
and why are you here anyway?

and i go then back to my baby,
my hurt and wounded child and i hold her and rock her
and rock her and hold her.
and i weep and i weep and i weep
and i realise i am full of rage.
here now i am full of blame and resentment and hatred
and this place is so familiar here with my vulnerability in my arms.
and i scream at the world and i scream at everyone
and i want to shoot the place down.
“fuck you!” i want to say
all go away,
for i could feel safe it wasn’t for your judgement.
i could show my precious little light if it wasn’t for what you thought was right.
fuck you you righteous whores.
fuck you you righteous bores.
and i shield her away from you
and  i am dead to you
and there is no one and nothing and i am not one.

just imagine if in that moment when i turn away and i put my head down and rest it on her warm tiny body,
just imagine if that is all there is
and that is everything.
that this is not just something
but that this is everything –
i have it all and that was nothing.
here there is peace,
here there is contentment,
here there is freedom,
here i am one.

so as i go away from this now i want you to know that i hold my tiny precious whole within my arms and if you come too near with your questions or your discernments,
if you come too near with you judgements or expectations,
i may forget again
and again begin again to be something that i perceive that you want of me.
and then as i lose my hold on that tiny little bundle i will want to blame you and all your ways.
so now please remember this of me:
i am beginning again
and i will try to see you within this light that is in me
and through this i wish to join.
through this i am. 
through this i can know who i am.


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