imagine loving this

just imagine loving this

just imagine loving this,
this life i see of total failure and mess.
just imagine seeing it as beautiful and being inspired.
where i see problems and work, to see nothing but unity and comradeship
here where i perceive i have dug myself into a hole, there could be fun and laughter and joy
and yet all i see is correction,
all i see is that which needs to shift.
part of me just wants a total overhaul,
a complete makeover or a way out of here running as fast as i can muster.
to go, to leave here where i am exhausted by the responsibility to my fellow beings,
to be free of these burdens.
to be gone from here seduces me daily,
i see all my mistakes,
constantly.

i am flooded with criticism,
i am a failure in everything i do,
i am lost to success for the standard my system is geared to is impossible.
and yet, even with this awareness, i do not still trust.
i still believe somewhere that it is necessary to be absolutely faultless to be loved
and so it is through this lens that i wake today
and get angry with the children for the strategies that they have had to put in place to cope with what they are faced with.
i get angry because they can’t be perfect and loving and considerate and kind
like little yogi’s meditating after they have eaten the most nutritious breakfast they could manifest, harvested from the garden that they were inspired to sow.
why are they not doing this?
because i have not shown them how to.
so i see my failings.
they remind me of how much work i have to do to be faultless.
they remind me how exausted i am,
of how much responsibility i am taking for them.
and to the side of this and around it is the sense of hopelessness this creates,
the lack of connection this perpetuates.
the distance the resentment
the hurt and the lies.
oh how the trauma cycle abides so strongly in my house today
on and on.
there is no joy in this loop,
there is no laughter to be heard.
there is no fun here,
no acceptance, just a long and constant struggle through the relentless shit.

but oh, we could jump to permissivness!
we could jump to whatever!
lets just forget about this all and have a good time…

and that didn’t work.

so now it is working with turning this around.
working to move from this place of blame and correction
into a new epoch of awareness and loving direction.
we can do this guys because i am learning that i am beautiful.
we can do this guys because i am knowing that i am whole
how ever i show up.
i am practicing to see this in you as you mirror my selves.
i am practicing seeing the light in you so that the learning becomes effortless.

so if you see me telling me you are not perfect
i wish to be reminded you are.
and if you see me doubting you i need reminding that i am using standards impossible to reach,
set when i was surrounded  with judgement and blame.
now there is the possibility of self acceptance and non-judgement around me,
now i unfold.

beauty is not a standard set that can be quantified and gained,
it is an essence that emerges when all conditioning is seen as obsolete,
it is the light that resides in all things.
i am loved however i am.
this is my practice.
we are here, somewhere new, were the possibilities are multiplying.
i am beautiful.
the light in me salutes the light in you.
namaste.

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